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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.