Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
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Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
All excellent questions
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.