My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
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Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…