well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
You Might Also Like
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid