“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
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A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds