“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
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I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Never let them know your next move 😂
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.