Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
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Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
the dark web is just a goth google.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still