dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
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I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.