Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
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Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”