HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
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Nice try Hitler
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
man i love columbo
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My dog learned how to text
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird