Childbirth is so beautiful
You Might Also Like
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive