The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
You Might Also Like
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
This could’ve been an email.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride