Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
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My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.