What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
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nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.