I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
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I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.