Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
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[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
forgive me baja for i have blast
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure