Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
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When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
What kind of a cult is this?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
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