someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
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Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
This why you should mind your business
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about