My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope