My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
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[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Best table by far
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Sorry not sorry.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
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Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.