lol
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Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Nice try, poison.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?