Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
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I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
That time Alicia messaged me
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Only short people can save us
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.