Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
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Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
first you must answer his riddles
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.