Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
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You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Word.
~ Microsoft.