“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
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People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
o shit
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.