sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
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You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.