Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
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The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.