Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
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CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”