The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
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ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?