did it work
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, āI donāt think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.ā So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Things that donāt exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. Itās my face. lol
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..šš
The flight attendant has said ā..and one in the rearā 3 times now and Iām Paul. Iām 12 years old.
chips are basically like ādo you want to eat a potato one page at a timeā
[Momās house]
Mom: I donāt know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, itās a mystery
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, āWHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!ā All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.