A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
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I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.