How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
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[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
get you a girl who
*pronounces patio like ratio
I just tested negative for patience.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too