I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
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My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.