It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
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Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Sorry. Not sorry
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
he’s sick of your bullshit today