Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you