I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
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Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
gentlemen, hear me out
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Who says great literature is dead?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.