Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
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Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Sticker placement is key.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
what day is it?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.