I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
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13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I have a black belt in leather
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.