Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
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me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠