monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’