[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
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Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?