[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
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me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.