throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.