My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
based al yankovic
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?