[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
omg leave her alone
This chloroform smells expensiv…
“That’s what” – She