My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
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date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I’d use my best pan on you.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Me :
All Day At Night
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.