“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
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Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.