3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
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Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
No Google it does not
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?