Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
You Might Also Like
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.