Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
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If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.